Scarlet Memoirs Forlorn Future
by Serene-sesuna
Summary: Her name was Zhou Hanying. She was a member of the Dragon Clan and Meiran’s best friend. When colony L5 was attacked and ultimately destroyed, she escaped death, but now she faces a greater enemy, guilt. As loneliness and regret fill her heart, she finds
1. Regrets

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.

The rain struck upon me mercilessly, but I did not care. The people around me did not care either. We wanted to listen, to hear, and to know that our loved ones will still be remembered and that their sacrifice was not for nothing. We have been standing here for four hours now, listening to him read out all the names of the soldiers and civilians that were lost in this war. I will not leave until I hear all the names of my family and friends. I had lost everything in this war: my home, my family, my friends, everything...except for my life and a thin thread of sanity and I have no one to blame, but myself.

"Treize Khushrenada" At sound of this name, I cringed with anger. It was _him_. It was because of _him _that my colony was made a sacrifice of war. He did not think my colony was productive enough. So he ordered his men to destroy my colony and the entire dragon clan. It was all because of _him _that I lost everything. _He deserved to die._ Yet... I have only myself to blame for the death of my friends and family...only myself...

"Chang Meiran" My best friend...She believed in justice; She preached for justice; She fought for justice. But justice is so far away now and so is she...and so is everyone else that lived on colony L5. She died fighting for justice, died bravely as she went out into space in a gundam to combat the merciless Oz forces. She was no coward like me. She died with no regrets, with pride, and with honor, emotions that I will never feel when death takes me. The emotion that accompanies me during death will be guilt, for Meiran had died not only because of Treize Khushrenada, but because of me. I had not been a loyal friend. I should have stopped her from entering that gundam; I should have went to combat the Oz forces in her place; I should have...I could have prevent her death in so many ways. But I did not. I was too scared of the Oz forces, too frightened of the possibility of death. How I regret my actions that faithful day; how I wish that Meiran had not died; and how I wish that Treize Khushrenada had died before her.

"Zhou Tianlong" It was the last name that I wanted to hear, the name of my fiancé and the last name upon that bloody list. Guilt and sadness struck, like knives, deep into my heart and conquered my body. I could feel my knees fail me as they made contact with the wet, cold stone floor. Within my head, the same sentences repeated themselves: 'His fate was in your hands that day and you chose for him to die. It was all your fault…all your fault'.

He had fought valiantly when the Oz forces came to annihilate our colony, but in the end his efforts were in vain. He was shot in the head and murdered instantly like all the others. I should have helped him, protected him, and even die with him. I should not have run away. I saw him fight bravely against a group of Oz soldiers. I saw him losing, yet I did not turn back to help him. I was too selfish and concerned for my own life to care about his. I could have saved him, but I did not. How could I have been such a selfish coward? I have no one to blame for being left alone in this cruel world but my weakness and my selfish self. It was all my fault that he died; it was all my fault that Meiran died; and it was all my fault that I, a selfish, weak coward, am still alive.

On that day, I should have been like Tianlong, like Meiran, like all those brave members of the Dragon clan who fought to protect our colony. I should have stayed and fought. Death in battle is more honorable than fleeing like a coward. How could I have fled? How could I have just left my friends and family and let them face death without me? How could I?

As I regained my composure, I realized that millions upon millions of names were read. Of these names were poor, defenseless children who had not yet lived their lives, pacifists who refused to fight because of their views, and those unfortunate souls who do not have a living relative alive to remember them. But my name was not on that list. It should have been. At least then I would be with my family and friends, at least then I would have the knowledge that I fought bravely for my colony, at least then I would have died with no regrets…

Death...it seems so comforting now, to be reunited with my lost friends and family, yet I...I cannot be reunited with my loved ones. I betrayed them because of fear. If only I had realized this earlier, now I know the true meaning of the fear of death. It is the fear that I cannot face my lost loved ones anymore, not now and not ever, because I know that they will never forgive me.

I am, no was, one of the members of the dragon clan. I was not supposed to know any fear. I was supposed to be valiant, to fight for justice, and protect the weak. Yet when danger came, I ran. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me when those Oz mobile suits came to destroy us. I could hear the sounds of guns being fired and the screams of my fallen comrades, yet I ran onward. I could have saved any of those people that I passed that day, but I did not. I could see the river of blood flowing behind me and the heavy, dark smoke build up in the air from the chaos, yet I kept on dashing forward --

"Hanying?" It was from a familiar voice, a voice that I have not heard for a very long time. It startled me at first. By instinct, I got up upon my feet and looked at the person who had spoken to me. At first, I thought it was my imagination. I dismissed the theory after I saw a tall silhouette in the thick mist staring at me intently and curiously. Who was he? And how did he know my name when everyone I know is dead?


	2. A Stroll Down Memory Lane

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.

Sorry, it took me so long to update. I'll try harder to update on a more regular basis, perhaps, once every two weeks.

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As he advanced hesitantly toward me, I observed that he had black hair held back in a pony tail, intense, black eyes, and a sword by his side. I stared at him and he at me until at last, I broke the silence, "Wufei?"

He nodded ever so slightly, but did not say a word. Through the thick mist, he seemed to be a figure of my imagination, a hallucination of which I was all too familiar with. In the dead silence of the night, I have often seen the scowling face of Meiran for not upholding the ideals of justice, the disdainful look from Tianlong for not displaying the strength of the Dragon Clan, and the disappointed expression from my clan for showing fear in battle. However, never once have I remembered seeing Wufei before. Perhaps, it was because I did not see him that fateful day in which I ran for my life while everyone around me fought to the death. Suddenly, a thought struck me. Could it be that he too ran?

Before I could say anything, he had turned around and began walking in the opposite direction. Thus, naturally, as I did with all my other hallucinations, I followed. Through the darkened mist, I saw the faint, subtle motion of the sun slowly setting and the moon rising into the night sky. As I followed him through the field of flowers, the beautiful reminiscent of what was once a river of blood, home to a great battlefield in which the Oz mobile suits battled with the natives, memories of my life on L5 rushed into my head.

It was a clear, sunny day in a field of blossoms very similar to the one in which we were walking in right now. It was also the day before the double marriage; Meiran was to be wedded to Wufei and I to Tianlong. Although I was a year younger than Meiran, the clan elders had arranged my marriage at the same time as Meiran's because they deemed me to be mature and ladylike enough. In truth, I was just more reserved and cautious than Meiran, who spoke out her opinions of justice at every moment available.

That day, we confined in each other thoughts about our fiancés or by the next day, husbands. Meiran held hers in disdain.

"A Scholar!! What a weakling!" She expressed indignantly. She had the heart and strength of a warrior. Thus, she desired someone strong, someone like Tianlong, my fiancé, whom I held in disgust. Unlike her, I was quieter and had a strong liking for books. Thus, a strong, brazen, brainless warrior did not catch my fancy.

"At least you aren't stuck with a fool." I sighed. Before we even realized it, we had begun complimenting each other's husbands and criticizing our own.

"He's hardly a fool, you know. Anyone can pick up a book, but it takes a real man to skillfully wield a sword!" Meiran admired.

"It isn't hard to pick up a book, but not everyone can understand what he is reading and write beautiful poetry at the same time!"

"What is the use of poetry? You can't defend yourself or the weak with poetry, but you can with a sword!" The conversation went on for a while until each of us wished that we had the other's husband. Meiran sighed, "I wonder why the Clan elders decided to pair me with Wufei when you are obviously better fit for him."

"And me with 'Tianlong the brave' when you would be happier with him… Perhaps, they made a mistake?"

"Not likely." With that, we were silent. Before long, the sun had hidden itself behind the White Mountains and the night sky was filled with stars.

"I wonder what the moon looks like." I thought out loud, for I had never seen the moon before as I had never traveled to Earth nor anywhere near the moon. However, unbeknownst to me then, when I finally did see the beautiful, white sphere, I would be in a fury of regret and guilt, for I had just abandoned my people on L5 and was heading toward the Earth's atmosphere.

Before Meiran had a chance to respond, the Clan elders had called for us and were criticizing us on our tardiness. "Brides tomorrow and staying out this late today? Dishonorable!" Sullenly, we began to walk to our respective houses as our last day as single women ended.

As the memory faded out, I turned my head towards Wufei and suddenly realized how much he had changed. The war had made him stronger. He was no longer that skinny scholar with the spectacles who enjoyed sitting in a room full of books. No, he had grown stronger with lean, muscular arms, a newfound agility, and a sword by his side. I smiled grimly, Meiran would have been proud.

Suddenly, I found myself thinking of Tianlong, his strength, and perseverance. After our wedding, we stayed far from each other, I deemed him a brainless fool, and he deemed me a weak onna. It was the same way with Meiran and Wufei, except it was the other way around. Meiran thought that Wufei was a useless scholar and Wufei thought that Meiran was…actually, I really don't know what Wufei thought of Meiran. All I know was that he evaded Meiran just as often as she avoided him.

However, as time went on, I found myself admiring Tianlong more and more and Meiran was doing the same with Wufei. I no longer found Tianlong's schedule annoying. Instead, I admired his spirit, for he rose at five o'clock am each morning to begin his training and did not stop until noon. Afterwards, he would go to the Dragon Clan temple to train the children and future warriors of the Clan. He would not return until seven o'clock at night. Sometimes, as he trained and went about his day's work, I would follow him, admiring him from a distance. However, I never found the courage to tell him that I held him in great esteem and, perhaps, even loved him.

Meiran was the same way with Wufei. The time that we had spent with our husbands, even if it was in dead silence, had softened our hearts, but we were too stubborn to admit that we had affections for them until we were at death's door or until it was too late. The disdain and disgust that both of us had initially felt melted away like snow beneath the warmth of the sun. However, because of our initial hard words, we fooled ourselves into believing that we still harbored hatred toward our respective husbands. Thus, we did not reconcile with them and kept our distances, admiring from afar.

In the present time, Wufei and I had stopped at the memorial for the Dragon Clan of the L5 colony. Upon that memorial were the names of those lost in that wanton destruction of that _useless_ colony. _Treize_. I thought with anger.

Silently, we scanned for the names of our loved ones. "Meiran." I heard him mutter sadly underneath his breath. It was then that I realized that he had loved her as she had loved him, but was either too stubborn to realize this feeling or too cowardly to tell her.


	3. A Future, Perhaps?

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own Gundam Wing.

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"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"No, I'm sorry. It was my fault that Meiran died. I failed to protect her. I should have – " At this, he slammed his knuckles onto one of the two stone guardians protecting the L5 memorial. I stared silently as blood dripped slowly down onto the clear, newly paved cement. I was waiting for him to continue, but he never did. He just stared into the abyss, memories rushing through his head.

At that moment, I located the name of my beloved, Zhou Tianlong. I felt my eyes blur. All the strength that I had built up for today left me. No matter how many times I told myself to be strong, to never reveal my weaknesses, and to never weep, I could feel tear drops gliding down my cheeks.

"Don't cry. It's too late to shed tears." With that, Wufei started down the silver pathway, sparkling under the full moon, which was revealed as the mist slowly cleared. I quietly followed, comforted by his presence. It had been a long time since I had seen a familiar being that was not the figure of my imagination.

After a period of complete silence with each of us reminiscing, Wufei suddenly stopped and startled me with a question, "What have you been doing?"

I stared at him; I had no answer. I had been living so much in the past, in my memories that I suddenly realized that I had forgotten about the present and the future. At this thought, I smiled bleakly. The future…I have no future. My future is sealed within my past and my dreams of becoming a teacher died when the once powerful Dragon Clan fell.

Taking my silence for an answer, Wufei continued walking down the path. "You can come work for the Preventers. I'm sure Sally wouldn't mind." I nodded, accepting his offer; I had nothing else to do.

As we reached the gateway at the end of the colonial memorials, in which all the destroyed colonies participated, Wufei handed me a piece of paper. "The directions." He tersely articulated in response to my questioning look. Then he opened the gate and left.

I look down at the neatly folded paper, which appeared to be a brochure introducing the Preventers organization. Upon it were the address of the office, the purpose of the organization, and an invitation to join. Maybe I have a future after all…just maybe.

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Thank you all for your kind reviews.

This is a very short, connecting chapter. The next one will be much longer.


	4. Realizations at Midnight

My fastest update yet!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing.

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I, too, left the memorial and began wandering aimlessly down the streets. Shrouded within the darkness of the night, I thought I could hide from my guilt, my regret, and, ultimately, my deceased comrades, but I was wrong. The moon had betrayed me, allowing a ghastly, translucent figure to follow, to haunt me.

Too ashamed to confront the spirit, I began to sprint down the dark street. Trees, traffic lights, and buildings, they all blurred past me.

"You always were a good runner."

At this, I immediately stopped. That admiring, yet taunting voice, it sounded like Meiran's. Reluctantly, I turned to face the girl with the long, braided, black hair and the heart of a warrior. Forgiveness or no forgiveness, I owed her some sort of explanation for my actions on that fateful day. However, before I could broach on the subject, I heard her command, "You need to stop running away from all your troubles. You have the ability to be stronger, to protect the weak, and to promote justice! You _must_ do what I cannot do."

"Meiran, I'm not you. I'm not strong; I'm not brave; I don't have your spirit. When danger is near, I cannot stop my legs from moving." I whispered, trembling.

"You must carry out my dream now that I cannot. Remember Tianlong and learn from him." Then she softly added, "Look after Wufei for me."

"Meiran?" I was once again standing alone under the soft, traitorous moonlight. She had told me to learn from Tianlong, but how can I? Courage isn't something that you develop overnight; it is innate.

"That's just a pathetic excuse!" Meiran's angry voice retorted within my head. That was what she had said after my first marital arts battle when I used my gender to explain my defeat to a male opponent and that is what she would say had she been standing beside me now.

"I know, but I just can't…I can't be brave." I whispered aloud my thoughts to a nonexistent apparition.

Then, I heard twelve-year-old Meiran lecturing me, "That's the worst excuse of them all. There's nothing that you _can't _do. You just don't want to do it, that's all."

Another memory rushed into my head. Meiran was twelve at the time and I was eleven. She took me up to the bamboo forest on the White Mountains at dawn that day. The wind was blowing gently westward and upwards, signaling for the sun to rise. As the sun began its upward climb, a light pink hue and then a golden yellow color dispersed the darkness and lit up the sky; a new day filled with hope, aspirations, and adventure had begun.

"We are almost there!" Meiran shouted back to me at noon as she pointed at the clearing in front. We had climbed all morning up the eastern incline of the White Mountains. Although the scenery was gorgeous with lush, green bamboo plants engulfing us, hunger filled our stomachs and fatigue took over our bodies. The upward advance was tedious as we willfully placed one foot in front of the other, while our stomachs rumbled.

"We should have brought some food." I responded weakly.

"No, we are undergoing intensive training. We must forget our worldly and physical needs in order to get stronger!"

"Why do I have to get stronger again?"

"So that you can help me spread the ideals of justice!" Before I could respond, we had reached the clearing and were distracted by the darkness that had suddenly seized the colony. Until then, the sun had been shining above us, guiding us through the bamboo forest and watching over us. Just as suddenly, rain drops began to fall from the sky. At first the pattering sound of the drops was slow and soothing, but, later, the tempo dramatically increased.

I, of course, desired to dash back to the comforts of my roof-covered home; however, Meiran wanted to stay and train as the rain water drenched her hair and soaked her clothing. "Be strong." She had articulated as I made to leave the mountains.

I responded that I did not have the ability to do so and that I was born weak and will remain so. It was then that Meiran angrily retorted, "That's the worst excuse of them all. There's nothing that you _can't _do. You just don't want to do it, that's all."

_There's nothing that you can't do. _I have repeated that sentence within my head upon thousands and thousands of time. Although I wanted to believe Meiran, the girl whose spirit, courage, and ability I so admired, I could not. There was, is, so much that I cannot do. I can never be brave; I can never be like Meiran; and I definitely can never be like Tianlong. They had stayed to fight when the Oz forces attacked, while I sprinted across the fields of blood. They had sought to protect the defenseless, while I only thought of myself.

"Meiran." I whispered, "I want to be courageous; I desire to carry out your dreams; and I want to be like you. I really do, but I can't." Despondent and alone, I slowly advanced onto a bridge facing a city that lit up the night sky and filled the air with excitement, activity, and forgetfulness. The war had been so devastating that most of those who participated in it or witnessed it only sought to forget the war and all its destruction through ephemeral pleasures within that sinful metropolis. However, I can never forget the war that annihilated all of my dreams and aspirations; the war that left me lost, alone and purposeless; the war that revealed my greatest weaknesses.

Leaning onto the bridge's railway, I looked down to see my reflection beneath me in the dark blue river. To me, however, the river was not blue; it was crimson, scarlet with the blood from my comrades whose deaths were my fault. I could only see fear and guilt in my dark eyes as I cringed at such a thought. My raven colored hair fell loosely down to my shoulders, outlining a pale, ghostlike face and revealing a spiritless, lost soul meandering under the moonlight.

I was no one. With the death of Treize and the disappearance of my vengeful spirit, I had no purpose, except maybe promoting Meiran's dream of a just world. However, how can I, the passive, ladylike weakling, turn Meiran's aspirations into reality when my spirited, active best friend herself could not?

Again, I looked down at the gentle river flowing slowly away from me and toward the bright city. Death could so easily be attained. The bridge's railway was low, providing me with ample opportunity to plunge myself into the depth of the river with minimal effort, alleviating all my pains. However, I was not yet really to face my comrades. First, I _must _repent.

As I continued to stare down into the depth of the water, I began to consider the possibility that Meiran was right, that if I had put enough effort into strengthening my character and disciplining myself, I could be brave, strong, and spirited, just like Meiran and everyone else in my clan. A realization suddenly struck me: I lacked discipline, the discipline to persevere in spite of obstacles, to stand my ground in the face of a formidable adversity, to defend not only myself but those whom I loved, and to face death without fear. That was what Meiran was trying to instill in both herself and me when she took us up to the Bamboo Forest in the White Mountains on that rainy day. She wanted us to become more disciplined because only through absolute control over ourselves could we become stronger and be better guardians of justice.

The sun began to rise over the eastern, nocturnal city. As dawn approached, tranquility replaced the gaiety of the night before and the sun radiated with hope over the river of guilt and blood. Dawn, it signaled a new day and a new opportunity for me to right the wrongs. With the discovery of the true meaning of strength, a hopeful heart, and a new found purpose, I took out the Preventers brochure that Wufei had handed to me last night; it was time to repent, time to make Meiran proud.

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Thanks for all the reviews and I will try my best to make all the chapters as long as possible :)


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